How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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