just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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