Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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