Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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