From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
