I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize