at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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