I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Let's get the cat blown out
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