I must be too annoying 4 u.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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