Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
