I wish my penis had an off switch
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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