It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
