I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
