I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
