Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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