he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
