Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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