im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have aggressive nipples.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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