the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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