I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
