I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
