did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
