it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
