what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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