I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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