I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
