u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
