Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
