Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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