I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
