grandma shit on top of the toilet
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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