my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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