FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
