why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
