Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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