I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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