Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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