I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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