It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
