My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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