I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
