does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
