I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
