I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
