Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
