hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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