Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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