The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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