Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
