Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
