i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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