party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
