I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
