i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
