Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
