Jerry, you need to find god
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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