It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
