Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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