Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
