listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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